Closing a Chapter

There is no way to make the phrase Mr. Vaughn and I are getting a divorce any less ugly.  It’s raw, like the way the spot in my chest feels every time I draw in a breath. It’s been coming for a while.  A few years, maybe. It’s hard to pinpoint an exact time because it was gradual. Neither of us did anything horrible to the other.  But we did neglect our relationship.  There’s blame on both sides. We weren’t communicating well. I missed hearing what he was saying and he didn’t articulate how serious he felt things had gotten.  I still love him and am willing to fight for the relationship. He isn’t.  There’s not much more to say about that.

It hurts every time I think about the things I could have done differently.  I’d give up almost anything to go back in time and fix things. But I can’t.  So now I’m contemplating a future without him. He’s the person I wanted to grow old and grey with and with that gone, I’m not sure what lies ahead.

I’m terrified and hurting and so damn grateful for the people who’ve helped me through this first part of it.  There’s a lot I have to figure out still. Legally, it won’t be too awful, since we don’t have kids and we’re in agreement about what to do with the house.  But untangling two lives that have been intertwined for eleven years is a tricky, painful process.  I’ve barely begun and there are days I wonder how I’ll ever get through it all.

I probably won’t say much more about it publically, because it’s hard enough to deal with in private.

Those of you who already know, thank you for all the love and support.  I don’t think I would have made it this far without you.

Will this affect my writing? Probably, although these days it feels like a salvation. A distraction from everything else going on in my head.

Even in the darkest, most awful moments, I still believe in happily ever after’s.  Even if mine didn’t work out the way I planned.

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16 thoughts on “Closing a Chapter

  1. I love you. And I hate that I’m not as available right now but I hope you know anytime you see me online, I’m all yours if you need to talk. I know you can’t see through to the other side, but you WILL get through this and I know there’s happiness waiting for you when you do.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I “liked” this because it’s incredibly brave of you to put your personal life out in public like this. It’s equally as hard to put on a happy face when you’re dying inside a little more each day, which it sounds like you have been doing for awhile. I hope you are able to find a measure of peace again soon.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m sorry to read this news. I am probably not going to ask you about it publicly — as you requested some privacy on this matter — but I will definitely be thinking of you and hoping you’re okay, hoping you get the support you need. Please say so if you need a laugh for the day or someone to listen to you vent for a few minutes. I’m so sorry.

    Like

    • Thank you. I don’t mind people asking me about it publically (although there are things I might choose not to answer) I mostly didn’t want to spend the next few months spewing every detail out since that isn’t healthy for me/my career or fair to Mr. Vaughn. I figure the occasional blog post is enough to let people know why I’m a bit quieter than usual. I have truly been overwhelmed (in the best way) by the amount of support. Thank you so much. ❤

      p.s. You are wonderful at making me laugh and your Professor Waffles posts are always a perfect distraction when I need it.

      Like

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